you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
