Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
