You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
