Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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