I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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