The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
