my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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