You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
