Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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