dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
