After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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