God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
