After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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