There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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