I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
