Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
