i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
