You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
