Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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