if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize