i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
A+ Viking dick
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
