my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
