best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize