I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
