y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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