The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
