Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
