LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
