Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Less talking, more tequila
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
