My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
