i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Are we in a gay sports bar?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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