The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
