i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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