and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
