peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
