Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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