God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
