I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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