I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am midnight drunk by noon
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
