why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
