All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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