1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Randomize
