phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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