I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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