I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
