I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
