Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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