im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize