Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
