It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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