go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
