god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Your penis caused this!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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