She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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