i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
