i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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