my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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