Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize