How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I have aggressive nipples.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
