I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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