Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
