The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
