Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
