Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize