i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize