Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
